Depressing Stuff…or Whatever

I guess I’ve kind of been on break for a while, but I will now officially be going on break, from everything (I don’t know if this means I’ll be blogging more or less but I guess we’ll find out.) For those of you who know me you probably know that I don’t talk much about my personal life, and I definitely don’t blog much about it (or maybe I do, who knows?) But then there occasionally comes a time when everyone needs an outlet. A place to say whats on their mind, a time to just get it all out there. And for me, this is that place and so away I go.

Before I go on, however be forewarned. You remember in high school where you had that guest speaker come in and talk about rape, or whatever. Speeches like that usually start of kind of funny, there’s a couple jokes to break the ice or whatever and everyone laughs, no one really knows whats going on, or whatever. Remember those speeches. I do, I remember because they always ended the same way, terrible. This is going to be one of those peaces. So stop reading now if you like or keep reading on if you like, you already know what the ending is going to be like, terrible.

.:~*~:.

As I look back on all the things I’ve done over the last 21 years, I’ve thought about a lot of stupid trivial things. A LOT of stupid trivial things. Just yesterday for instance I was wondering when I should do laundry. Wondering  if the time I decide to do laundry would conveniently coincide with me wearing my last black undershirt. That way on the day where I wear my last black undershirt I would have fresh clean black undershirts the following day therefore postponing me having to wear a gray undershirt. I worry about a lot of things like this, because I’m weird, like that.

But why do I worry about that stuff, black undershirts, and gray undershirts. If I also got some white undershirts my entire life may become a whirlwind of undershirt indecision and we all know that would be no good, at least for me. But now things are a little different for me, they aren’t quite the same. Now if I had one undershirt of each color in the Crayola 242 pack of crayons I would not be paralyzed by undershirt indecision.

You know those stories you hear on tv. Car swerves into Baskin Robbins and kills xyz person or whatever. To me those are the type of stories that are reserved for the 9 o’clock news. The type of story where you go “well that sucks” and then kind of move on, or whatever. These stories appear on the news frequently but not once have I thought, “wow it’s gota suck to be that person’s family.” But now I know exactly how terribad it is to be “that person’s” family.

Just this break, my roommate from freshman year (I used to call him my ex-roommate but my current roommates are all like dude he sounds like your boyfriend/girlfriend or whatever so now I just call him “my roommate from freshman year” lost his grandfather.) He posted his status about it on facebook, or whatever. I was going to like his status, or whatever, but I noticed that would be a douche move. My grandfather died, “like.” That, clearly would have the opposite effect of what I intended. What could I say? “I’m sorry to hear that.” Yeah helpful, no not really. It’s like whatever man I haven’t the slightest clue how to let you know I’m here for you, if you need someone to talk to, or whatever. I looked at that facebook status, and had no idea what I should say, what I should do. That’s one of the reasons I’m writing this.

Here’s the other.

Probably not many of you know that my father was here for Christmas. He lives in Phoenix, Arizona where he works and occasionally visits his older sister (my aunt.) Well my dad went back to Arizona, today, at three in the morning. I know because I sent him to the airport. It was early.

In any case about 12 hours after the fact we got a call from my dear dad. As soon as my mom answered the phone he said “I have some very bad news.” Then he said something about checks and I thought “oh he can’t cash his paychecks still” the company he works for is dying slowly so he’s been asked not to cash his paychecks until later notice. Then my dad said something about work or whatever and I thought “oh his company is going out of business and so he doesn’t have a job, or whatever.” Then he said something about a detective and I thought “oh no’s he’s being framed for some sort of ridiculous company scam, or whatever.” And then he said the detective couldn’t reach him or whatever and I thought “wow my dad’s totally on the lam which is kind of hardcore.” And then he said something about family members and the detective, or whatever. And then he said that the detective told him that on December 23rd my aunt had been hit by a car and passed away and I thought ”                                      ” or whatever.

I’m not really a stranger to loss, I guess. I lost a grandma to lung cancer, a grandfather to pancreatic cancer, and a close friend to leukemia. But in all those instances (well sort of) I could kind of see it coming. When my grandparents passed away I’d be lying if I said I was surprised. As for my friend… well that’s sort of a different story all together. Seeing it coming means that you have time to prepare, to be ready when bad news hits. What happened to me today was a little different. It’s more like a sledge hammer just fell from the sky and hit me in the chest. Just out of the blue.

My aunt used to take me to the zoo when I was a kid, you know, to look at the animals or whatever. I’d be lying if I said I remember those trips, but I did love them, that much I know. I wish now that I could go to the zoo one more time with my aunt, and tell her what a great aunt she is and how I’m so blessed to have had her in my life. But unfortunately that is impossible. So I can only write this and hope that somehow it reaches her in Heaven (assuming Heaven isn’t reserved only for the people who believe in Jesus.) And so there it is 大姑姑, thank you for everything, I miss you.

.:~*~:.

As I totally lost it today after dinner my other aunt told me that this is probably the way my aunt wanted to go. Quickly and relatively painlessly. Compared to the deaths that my grandparents and friend suffered her’s seems almost like a blessing. I have also told myself that several times but I can’t be sure that I really believe it. While death by cancer is surely stupidly painful I can’t really be satisfied with just this and so I’m kind of at a loss right now.

And so, what I have left to write is coming to an end. but there’s a couple of final things I want to say before calling it a wrap. The first is should ANY of my family members be reading this, please PLEASE do not tell my grandfather, or anyone else in the family for that matter. My father will contact his father when he is good and ready. The other thing is that right now my mom and dad are sort of leaning (and I really mean sort of in the most sort of-e way) on me to get through this crisis, which means I have to at least put up a strong front for them. I however also need someone to lean on so dear friends, I ask that you let me burden you and be there for me. Also on the flip side of things (this really is the last thing I promise) should any of you ever need support for ANYTHING in the future, or even now, please, PLEASE let me know. No one knows this (just like no one knows what color undershirt I’m wearing) but I pray for all you guys every single night and I hope that all of you are well. I guess that that’s all I have for now and so yeah… or whatever.

Oh and yeah, I’m not really in the mood to proof read or whatever so this thing is probably run-ons galore.